Beanpie - Volume 4 Episode 1: Turtle and The Hair

Beanpie - Volume 4 Episode 1: Turtle and The Hair

Opening scene: Beanpie is sitting on his bed thinking of a new plan.

Beanpie(to self): Man, this has got to be the weirdest series of events that has ever happened to anyone. I just can’t believe this keeps happening to me. I am not going to give up now. But I have no idea of what to do. Think man think.

*Beanpie begins to scratch his head and feels his hair

Beanpie(to self): That’s it! I can create a hair tonic that will grow hair on bald men. I know I can do it. I just have to put those good grades in chemistry to use.

Scene 2:Beanpie is in his room writing a recipe and he writes down numerous formulas. After he comes up with the ideal formula he heads to the store to collect the ingredients

Charlene: Hey Beanpie, how’s the dog food salesman doing?

Beanpie: Well love, it didn’t do anything. I got robbed……again

Charlene: Somebody robbed you for dog food, man what is this world coming to?

Beanpie: I don’t know love, but this time I am going to make hair restoring tonic. I am a genius when it comes to chemistry. I don’t know why I haven’t thought of this before. Now I will make a killing off of this.

Charlene: Wow, you are really going to make a hair restoring tonic? How will you know if it works?

Beanpie: I have a test dummy.

Charlene: How long will it take you to finish?

Beanpie: I should be done by the end of the week.

Charlene: Let me know when you finish, I want to see this thing in action. Can I ask you a question? Why do you do this?

Beanpie: I really want to buy a spot in the flea market, but I don’t want to waste money. That’s why I hustle on my own to make sure there is a demand for my products.

Charlene: Well, why don’t you start selling Viagra?

Beanpie: I don’t think it will be safe to sell my own blood to people.

Charlene: Quite the potent one aren’t you? Just keep me posted.

Beanpie: No problem, I’ll just be picking these things up and on my way.

*Beanpie picks up what he needs, and heads back home to work

Scene 3: Beanpie is in his basement putting the chemicals together, and as he is fixing the tonic, he begins to think.

Beanpie(to self): Alright, now that I have the solution all prepared, I need a guinea pig for my experiment and I know just who to use. (yells) Oh Tailgate can you come here for a second?

*Tailgate runs downstairs to see what Beanpie wants

Tailgate: What do you want man? Did you use the glue instead of the lotion again? I am not helping you with this one, that is a personal problem.

Beanpie: Whatever weenies boy, come here I want to show you something

*Tailgate walks around the table looking at everything

Tailgate: Wow, what are you doing down here? It looks like a mad scientists laboratory, only you’re not smart enough to boil water so what are you up to?

Beanpie: Well, I have created a hair restoring tonic

Tailgate: Does it work?

Beanpie: I don’t know yet, I have to test it and see.

Tailgate: What idiot did you get to try this stupid thing on?

*Beanpie looks at Tailgate and smiles and Tailgate starts backing away

Tailgate: Oh no, you better try that on one of your bald headed girlfriends or something, because you are NOT trying that on me.

Beanpie: C’mon mate, let me just pour a little on you, all the girls will think you finally reached puberty.

Tailgate: Nah ah, you are not using me….HELP!!!!!

*Tailgate runs up the stairs and out of the door and Beanpie chases him, while running around Shaun’s car, and after a few laps some of the solution spills on the hood

Tailgate: Ooohhh, Shaun is gonna whoop your ass

Beanpie: Shutup govy, me and Ice Juicy are tight, all I have to do is explain it to him.

*Shaun appears behind Beanpie

Shaun:Explain what?

Beanpie: Hey man, what’s up Ice Juicy

Tailgate: He spilled his ghetto rogaine on your car

Shaun:WHAT?!

Beanpie: Hey there homie, my brotha, it was just an accident

Shaun:I just waxed my car, where did you spill it?

Tailgate: Right here

*Shaun and Tailgate look at the spot while Beanpie tries to sneak away. Then Shaun and Tailgate looked surprised

Shaun: Ayo Beanpie, what exactly is this that you spilled on my car?

Beanpie: Ah, my new hair restorer

Shaun:Well I don’t know about a hair restorer, but can you come and look at this?

*Beanpie walks slowly to the car and is shocked to see what happened

Shaun:I have never in my life seen a car shine like this

Beanpie: Holy bloody chrome, I can see my future on the hood.

Shaun: Hey how much of that stuff do you have?

Beanpie: This is the only batch, but I have the formula in the basement

Shaun:This is the first thing I’ve seen you make that I would actually buy.

Beanpie: Do you mean that Ice…..I mean Shaun?

Shaun:Yeah, I would buy this in a heartbeat. Do you think you can make some for me?

Beanpie: Yeah, I just have to go back to the store and get more supplies

Beanpie - Volume 3 Episode 2: Dog Eat Dog World

Beanpie - Volume 3 Episode 2: Dog Eat Dog World

Scene 4: Beanpie is back home putting together his recipe for dog food when Lisa walks into the house

Lisa: Hey Ran….I mean Beanpie

Beanpie: Hey love, how was work today?

Lisa: The same ol crap, some guys argued over a lady at work today. They both want to go out with her and both are scared to ask, but they seem to have worked up a way to argue about her.

Beanpie: She must be one sexy piece of……I mean she must be a nice looking woman

Lisa: Ha! If they knew like I knew, they’d leave her alone

Beanpie: And what is it that you know?

Lisa: I know that this particular woman pees standing up.

Beanpie: Are you saying these guys had a fight over a guy?

Lisa: I feel sorry for the winner.

Beanpie: I’m glad it’s not me. Anyway, I am making that dog food I was telling you about earlier.

Lisa: I really do not believe you are making dog food. I mean normal people cook and sell plates out of their house. Maybe even icees, but who sells dog food?

Beanpie: Exactly. No one has had an idea like this. And I am using organic ingredients. This will make us rich baby.

Lisa: And if it doesn’t will you then get a job?

Beanpie: Ha, like my idea can fail.

Lisa: Speaking of fail, did anything ever come of that little Tea-Bust the other day?

Beanpie: Nothing, I called the Police and they say they know nothing about it. It’s weird I tell you.

Lisa: Well I’m gonna take a shower, are we still on for the movies tonight?

Beanpie: Yup, I’m almost done here anyway. Let me put this in the shed for the night.

Scene 5: Beanpie is outside putting his dog food in the shed, when all of the sudden he is hit in the neck. He wakes up spread out on the lawn, and Lisa is standing over him.

Lisa: Babe, why are you out here asleep?

Beanpie: I have no clue. I was putting the dog food away, and then I woke up here.

Lisa: What is that on your neck?

*He rubs the back of his neck

Beanpie: Ow, I have no idea what happened

Lisa: It looks like you got hit.

Beanpie: What the….why would I get hit?

Lisa: I don’t know. Who have you pissed off lately?

Beanpie: No one that I know of.

Lisa: Well, I’m going back in, come with me so we can clean you up.

Beanpie: OK

*Beanpie walks over to where the dog food was and sees that it’s gone.

Beanpie(to self): This can not be happening. How is my dog food gone?! Who in the world would want to take dog food? Who was the only one around? Lisa?! No! She was the only one around. She knew where I was going to put my dog food. I have to keep a close eye on her.

Beanpie - Volume 3 Episode 1: Dog Eat Dog World

Beanpie - Volume 3 Episode 1: Dog Eat Dog World

Opening scene: Beanpie is walking down the street.

Beanpie(to self): Alright govy, you can’t remain beaten. You are the number one street business man out here. There is no way a few setbacks can hold you down.

*He stops at a local kennel and gets an idea.

Beanpie(to self): That’s it! I’ll make dog food, and make a killing. This has no chance of failing. There is no way anyone can interfere with a man making dog food.

Scene 2: Beanpie is on the internet looking for ways to make dog food when his brother walks by

Tailgate: Oh Randolph…

Beanpie: What do you want you little toad?

Tailgate: I need the computer for my school report on seals, but since you’re here I can interview you instead.

Beanpie; Ha to the ha….you seem to be the funniest muppet I know.

Tailgate: Seriously, can you get off of the computer so I can use it?

Beanpie: One second zoo boy, lemme look one more thing up then it’s all yours.

*Tailgate leaves, Beanpie looks through different sites and finds numerous recipes for dog food. He mixes and matches and creates his own version of dog food. After he finishes, he taps his head thinking of a name for his product.

Beanpie: What to name it, what to name it. Let’s see….Good Dog? Nah too corny. Better than your master’s food…..Nope can’t use that. Ahh I got it

*Tailgate comes back to see if Beanpie is finished

Tailgate: Are you done looking at your porn yet?

Beanpie: I was not looking at porn, I am a ladies man, I make movies, I don’t watch.

Tailgate: Ha, tell that to our lotion shortage, the stains in the carpet, and the sticky keys on the keyboard.

Beanpie(stutters): Th-th-that was l-l-like that before….

Tailgate: Before what?

Beanpie: Shutup, I’m done don’t you want to use this computer?

Tailgate: Not before I wipe it down with bleach.

*Beanpie jots down a name and makes his way to the store for the ingredients.

Scene 3: Beanpie is at the store looking around for different items to create his dog food

Clerk 1: Hey there. It’s the (in an English accent) Bootlegger extraordinaire

Beanpie: And what might I do for you today my lady?

Clerk 1: Nothin, I’ve just been seeing you around a lot. Wondering if you needed some help looking for something.

Beanpie: No thanks love, I think I can handle this one on my own.

Clerk 1: By the way, my name is Charlene.

*She reaches out to shake Beanpie’s hand

Beanpie: Hello, they call me Beanpie, and I am not a bootlegger. I am an unofficial business man.

Charlene: Well then, Mr. Business man. How did the tea selling bit go?

Beanpie: Not so well. I never got to sell it. Some bloody copper thought I was trying to sell weed and took it from me. Charlene: That sucks. What are you up to now?

Beanpie: I’m on to a new venture. I’m gonna sell dog food.

Charlene: How do you plan on doing that?

Beanpie: Well, I have found the perfect recipe with really inexpensive ingredients. All I have to do is pick them up, and bam. I can make a killing from organic dog food.

Charlene: Well, since men are dogs, what more can I expect?

Beanpie: Well then that would make the female dogs bi..

Charlene: Watch your mouth!

Beanpie: Whatev love, I just gotta get the rest of this stuff, so I’ll see you round uh? Charlene: Alright Mr. Beanpie.

Beanpie: Volume 2 Episode 2 - Tea Time

Beanpie: Volume 2 Episode 2 - Tea Time

Scene 4: Beanpie is at the store looking for plastic bags

Clerk 1: Hey, look it’s the soap man. How did the soap sell?

Beanpie: I don’t want to talk about it.

Clerk 1: I told you $4 a bottle was too much.

Beanpie: That was a deal for what I had to offer.

Clerk 1: I have no clue of what you’re smoking, but $4 for soap is a rip-off.

Beanpie: You’ve got to be taking a piss, that is a good price for a great product. Anyway love, do you have any plastic bags?

Clerk 1: Yeah, in aisle 5. What are you selling this time?

Beanpie: I am selling tea, I made it from fresh tea leaves.

Clerk 1: Is it flavored?

Beanpie: Nah, it’s just green tea imported from China.

Clerk 1: Who is gonna buy bootleg tea?

Beanpie: When I blow up off of this idea, and become as famous as Lipton, don’t ask me for any of this tea.

Clerk 1: Trust me I won’t ask you for it!

Beanpie: Well, I’ve got my bags, thank you very much………(mumbles) whore

*Beanpie leaves the store and heads back home to bag his tea up.

Scene 5: Beanpie is outside putting the tea into bags when he sees a car pull up

Officer: Hey boy, what are you doing?

Beanpie: I’m just putting these tea leaves into bags sir

Officer: Those don’t look like tea leaves to me

Beanpie: These are tea leaves officer.

Officer: I’m gonna have to take those to the station

Beanpie: These are tea leaves

Officer: Are you getting loud with me? That looks like some Mary Ja Wanna to me. I said that is going with me.

Beanpie: You can smell them for yourself, it’s just tea. I would not be selling weed and bagging it up outside of my house. I am a business man, and this my tea. I am selling tea, not weed.

Officer, I see that you know the street term, and you look like a drug dealerto me. What’s your name?

Beanpie: Randolph Ethelwood sir

Officer: Well that sounds like a drug dealers name also, now give those illegal leaves.

Beanpie: I told you this is just…….

*Officer sprays Beanpie with mace.

Beanpie(Screams in a high pitch voice): Ahhhh….what’re you doing? I didn’t do anything

Officer: This is coming with me.

Scene 6: Beanpie is in the bathroom scrubbing his face when he looks in the mirror

Beanpie(to self): Why does this keep happening to me? I try to get my shams moving, but something outrageous happens every time. I can’t explain this one to Lisa or Ice Juicy. They’ll never believe me. Oh well, I just have to come up with another plan. This time I will not fail!

Beanpie: Volume 2 Episode 1 Tea Time

Beanpie: Volume 2 Episode 1 Tea Time

Beanpie(to self): Today govy, I’m gonna make the ultimate tea party.....Beanpie will go down in history as the tea king. I’ve come too far and worked too hard to fail. Nothing can stop me this time.

*Beanpie in his room writing a recipe for tea while watching a local tv food show.

Beanpie (humming): Uh hm....uh hm....uh hm

Lisa: Babe, what are you doing this time?

Beanpie: I’m making a recipe for tea, this is an untapped gold mine here.

Lisa: It is not untapped, people make tea all over the world.

Beanpie: Trust me on this one.

Beanpie: I can do this Lis, I have the recipe, I am the manpower, and with Ice Juicy’s help I’ll take over the industry.

Lisa: He is so not gonna help you on this one.

Beanpie: He’s my main govy, he’s always down for his BP.

Lisa: Yeah right, just like the last time he helped you out.

Beanpie: Just a minor setback, this time he’s sure to help me out.

Lisa: Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

*Beanpie in the kitchen staring at fresh tea leaves he just received in the mail.

Beanpie(to self): Alright, what to do, what to do. I thought these would be dried and processed already.

*Enter Tailgate

Tailgate: What is this? Are you becoming a sissy gardener?

Beanpie: Shut up stupid monkey, you have no idea of what I’m doing.

Tailgate: Well why don’t you tell me grass fairy.

*Beanpie slaps Tailgate on top of the head.

Beanpie: This govy is my ticket to wealth, Behold the tea leaves.

Tailgate: Oh, you’re not the garden fairy, you’re a tea fairy. That’s so gay.

Beanpie: Whatever you ape faced arachnid, when I get rich, I’ll put you on display at the local freak show.

*Tailgate gives Beanpie a low blow and runs away

Tailgate: See ya queen of the tea leaves.

Beanpie(shouts): Wait’ll I get you, you’re gonna regret that shot.

*Beanpie stares once again at the leaves scratching head trying to figure out a way to dry the leaves out

*Beanpie looks around the kitchen, stops at the microwave

Beanpie(to self): That should dry the leaves right out mate.

*Beanpie is outside on his back porch thinking of a way to package his tea. He then sees Ice Juicy

Beanpie: Yo, Ice Juicy, what’s the deal govy?

Shaun: My name is Shaun.

Beanpie I’ve got a question for you mate.

Shaun (sighs): Shoot.

Beanpie: Well, I have a new sham.

Shaun: Wow, that’s a surprise.

Beanpie: Wait, let me finish. I have an idea on how to reach an untapped market. I am going to sell tea.

Shaun: You’re selling tea?

Beanpie: Yes, and it’s all natural. I just finished drying the leaves and now I need to package it.

Shaun: Are you serious?

Beanpie: Yes I am

Shaun (laughing): Yo, this is NOT England. We don’t have tea and biscuits here. You were better off with that soap idea. Whatever happened with that?

Beanpie: These two hooligans took all of my soap.

Shaun: You got jumped by some kids and they took your soap?

Beanpie: Well, one kicked me in the shin, and the other poked me in the eyes. Then they grabbed my soap and ran.

Shaun: So you expect me to believe two kids, beat you, no poked you and then robbed you, for soap nonetheless. Yeah right. Just admit that your idea to sell soap was not a good one.

Beanpie: I’m telling you mate, that is the truth. I was robbed.

Shaun: Whatever, what did you want to ask me?

Beanpie: Oh yeah, well I was looking for suggestions on how I should package my tea.

Shaun: Man I am the wrong one to ask. I just deliver the mail and keep it movin. Just get some plastic bags and bag it up. That’s what I suggest.

Beanpie: That sounds like a plan. Thanks govy, you have truly earned the name Ice Juicy.

Shaun: My name is Shaun.

Beanpie – Volume 1 Episode 3: Squeaky Clean

Mar 29, 2009 (12:26 PM)

Beanpie: Volume 1 Episode 3 *Beanpie is in the bathroom filling the bottles, when his girlfriend Lisa enters Lisa: Tailgate told me that you were going to be selling dish washing liquid. Beanpie: Isn’t that the best sham I’ve had? Lisa: How about no. Beanpie: You are supposed to be my main lady, support me. Lisa: You know I support you. I pay your bills, buy your food, and every now and then I let you touch me. Beanpie: Ha to the ha. Not like that. You’re supposed to support my decisions. Lisa: Well let me see, support you in your decision not to get a job, but instead hustle the most idiotic household items at an outrageous price. Can’t say that I see a future in that. Beanpie: This one is a winner love. I can’t fail. At $4 a bottle, I’ll be a millionaire in no time. Lisa: $4 a bottle?! Beanpie: Yes Lisa: What? Is it all natural? Beanpie: No Lisa: Is it scented? Beanpie: No Lisa: Does it soften your hands? Beanpie: Ah, no Lisa: And you’re selling this for $4 Beanpie: Yes I am Lisa: You really put the “smart” in not smart. Beanpie: What? You mean you don’t think this will work? Lisa: If it does, I’ll perform in a donkey show. Beanpie: Well you’d better start doing your twat exercises, cuz this one will not fail. Lisa: I don’t think so Randolph. Beanpie: It’s Beanpie, and it will work. Lisa: Whatever Mr. Beanpie. I’m off to work. (mumbles) Where you should be. Beanpie: What was that dear? Lisa: Oh nothing, see you later. Beanpie: Bye love, and don’t forget to stretch, donkeys are well endowed. *Beanpie is walking down the street with his loaded cart of soap when he is approached by some young boys. Boy 1: Hey, what do you have there? Beanpie: This? Well this here is world class homemade dishwashing liquid Boy 2: How much is it? Beanpie: $4 Boys 1 & 2: What?!?!? Boy 1: What? Is it all natural? Beanpie: No Boy 2: Is it scented? Beanpie: No Boy 1: Does it soften your hands? Beanpie: Ah, no Boy 2: And you’re selling this for $4 Beanpie: Yes I am Boy 1: I bet you won’t sell any of that raggedy soap at all Boy 2: You’re an idiot with a stupid accent Beanpie: Shut up! Don’t you two have some traffic you need to play in? Boy 1: Well, I just finished with your mom, and she said you have to go home and clean your room Beanpie: If you weren’t so small I would knock you out! *Boy 2 kicks Beanpie in the shin Beanpie: Ow, now why’d you go and do a thing like that? Boy 1: Pokes BP in the eyes, while Boy 2 grabs the cart and the two kids run off with the soap Beanpie: I’ll get you two little spider monkeys!! You better not ever come back around this way!!!! *Beanpie walks back home with his head down mumbling *Beanpie is back in his bed thinking of another sham so that he can make money Beanpie (to self): I can’t dwell on that little setback. Those little delinquents will get theirs. I just can’t believe that happened to me. Oh well, they have not seen the last of me. I must come up with another way to make this business thing work.

Beanpie – Volume 1 Episode 2: Squeaky Clean

Mar 28, 2009 (11:22 AM)

Beanpie – Volume 1 Episode 2: Squeaky Clean *Beanpie is at the local Dollar store trying to find some clear bottles. He walks over to a clerk to ask for some help Beanpie: Excuse me, can you tell me where I might find some empty bottles? Clerk: What kind of bottles? Beanpie: Plastic bottles Clerk: What kind of plastic bottles? Beanpie: Tall clear plastic bottles Clerk: What are you using these bottles for sir? Beanpie: I am going to be selling soap in them. *Clerk breaks out in outrageous laughter Clerk: You are gonna sell soap? Beanpie: Yes, and pretty soon you’ll see my soap everywhere. And if you act right young lady, I may take you to the top with me Clerk: Yeah right, we’ll be on the top of idiots most wanted. Beanpie: Whatever, can you tell me where they are? Clerk: In aisle 5. Beanpie: Thanks……(mumbles) slut *Beanpie looks at a bunch of bottles and then grabs about 20 normal sized bottles, and heads to the register Clerk 2: What are you gonna do with all of these bottles? Beanpie: Ah yes, I am going to be selling my own dishwashing liquid. Clerk 2: That sounds good, how much you gonna charge a bottle? Beanpie: About $4 Clerk 2: What? Is it all natural? Beanpie: No Clerk 2: Is it scented? Beanpie: No Clerk 2: Does it soften your hands? Beanpie: Ah, no Clerk 2: And you’re selling this for $4 Beanpie: Yes I am Clerk 2: What is so special about this soap? Beanpie: Well, I made it by hand Clerk 2: And…. Beanpie: And what? Clerk 2: (Laughing) Keep the receipt so you can get your money back. Beanpie: What’s so funny? Clerk 2: You are selling homemade soap, with no added features for $4 a bottle, that’s what’s funny. *Beanpie grabs the bottles and storms off. *Beanpie is walking back to his house with a duffle bag full of empty bottles when he sees Ice Juicy Beanpie: Hey Ice Juicy, my man, what’s the deal govy? Shaun: My name is Shaun Beanpie: I know, but Ice Juicy has so much more flavor mate Shaun: It sounds like a pedophile disguised as an Ice Cream salesman Beanpie: Whatever govy. I got a spankin new sham, want in on it? Shaun: You have the most idiotic schemes, and NO, I don’t want in on this nonsense. Beanpie: You haven’t even heard what it is. Shaun: Lemme guess. You have a bag full of empty bottles…..hmmm…you’re hustling stupid by the ounce. Beanpie: Haha, very funny mate. Now, what you see before you is a state of the art, new millennium, dish washing liquid dispenser. Shaun: All I see are bottles Beanpie: I made a homemade soap govy. Shaun: And how much are you selling this bull…..I mean soap for? Beanpie: $4 a bottle Shaun: What? Is it all natural? Beanpie: No Shaun: Is it scented? Beanpie: No Shaun: Does it soften your hands? Beanpie: Ah, no Shaun: And you’re selling this for $4 Beanpie: Yes I am Shaun (shaking his head) : I don’t think this is gonna work out at all Beanpie: What do you mean? This is the perfect sham Shaun: The only thing that is gonna be cleaned is your wallet. Beanpie: I’ll let you think on that one. I’ll get back to you later, I’ve gotta go bottle this stuff up. Shaun (Walking away): Whatever, take it easy Beanpie: Peace Ice Juicy Shaun (Yells): My name is Shaun